Better Off On My Own
by tetsusaiga-chick
Summary: Spike had decided that he is better off with Buffy, but how long can he stay away from her when he feels this miserable?


A/N: This is considering that Spike has had the chip since before he met Buffy and it takes place near the last episode. I don't own BTVS of the SUM41 song

Spike took another drag off his cigarette as he walked long, threatening strides back to the cemetery. Swearing under his breath, he took a final drag before flicking his cigarette far off into the street, narrowly missing the broad side of a newly washed car. He continued walking, his trench coat grazing the very tips of the dewy grass beneath his feet.

As he came upon the cemetery he saw Buffy fighting a vampire off in the distance. He scowled for a moment, watching Buffy kick and be kicked. He smiled at the sight of it, for some reason, watching Buffy hurt gave him a sick satisfaction. He kicked the ground when she drove a wooden stake through the heart of the vampire before her.

He made his way back to the crypt, somberly dealing with the decision he made earlier this morning. He came to the conclusion that no matter what he did, it would always be a game to her. He slammed his crypt door shut, throwing a nearby empty bottle against the wall.

"Done too much for that bitch, shoulda killed her the first time I saw her. And I probably would've if it wasn't for this sodding chip," he yelled more to himself than to Clem who had recently appeared in the doorway.

Spike reached deep in to his pocket and pulled out a lighter and a pack of cigarettes. He pulled one out and lit it before continuing his rant.

"I got my bloody soul back for her, I traveled to the edge of the sodding world just to make her happy, and she still treats me like the plague," he continued.

/I tried to be perfect,

It just wasn't worth it,

I don't believe it makes me real\\

"Now don't get me wrong. I did love her...I do love her," he said to Clem who was unaware he should be listening.

Spike shook the somber look off his face before continuing.

"Of course I still love her, look at all I went through, everything I did, but she still thought I was some game, that I couldn't really feel. Well I bloody well can feel! Love, hurt, anger, it's all there, bubbling beneath the surface like a sodding volcano."

/I though it'd be easy

But no one believes me

I meant all the things I said\\

"I should have killed her when I had the chance, when the first was controlling my body. I should have used that bleeding trigger to my advantage," he continued.

"Why do you suppose you didn't? I mean, you _are _a vampire, and she _is _a slayer. It would've made perfect sense," Clem questioned.

Spike's angered expression melted to one of sorrow.

"Because she believed in me," he replied, "She trusted me. With my soul intact, she believed I could be a better man. You know, I don't believe having a soul changed me, I think I acted sane and humane around her because I couldn't bear to let her down. I was all a facade, for her."

/If you believe it's in my soul

I'll say all the words that I know\\

"Well that's over now, right? You're back to the dark side, out doing the whole 'creature of the night' scene?" Clem asked, plopping himself in to a chair and switching on the T.V. "It seems like you're better now, freer than when you were with Buf..."

"Don't say her name!" Spike interrupted.

"... The Slayer," Clem quickly corrected.

There was an agonizingly long, uncomfortably pause before Spike spoke.

"I'll do fine without her, I don't need her. She used me to make herself feel better, I don't need her. Not anymore."

/Just to see if it would show

That I'm trying to let you know

That I'm better off on my own\\

Spike left the room and made his way to the bathroom downstairs. He switched on an overhead light and looked at himself in the mirror. He threw his shirt off, watching it land lightly on the floor beneath him. He looked at the shallow scars over the left side of his chest. He lightly traced over them, remembering that wretched soul and his tattered heart. He fought back the tears that were angrily multiplying behind his eyes. He punched the wall next to the mirror, hoping that physical pain would help to ease the emotional pain Buffy had caused him. He was angry with her for hurting him and he was angry with himself for letting her hurt him. He placed a shaky hand over his heart.

"Broken," he whispered.

/This place is so empty\\

He had had enough of his pitiful self-reflection. He stormed out of the house, into the cemetery, dusting anything in his way. He lit a cigarette and took a long drag before getting so frustrated that he threw it to the ground. He was about to head to the local demon bar, but he saw Buffy in the distance fighting another vampire, this time, with Willow by her side. He smiled grimly. He already missed her. He had the sudden urge to race across the graveyard, dodging headstones and angry vamps, just to get to her.

He dug his teeth into his hand, desperately trying to hold himself back. Tears formed in his eyes as he watched Buffy and Willow fight. He was about to stalk away; back into the night where everyone would forget about him, but Willow glanced over in his direction, spotting him instantly. After a momentary 'deer-in-the-headlights' look, he sprinted out of sight. Spike dove behind a tree, carefully listening, trying to hear their conversation.

"What's with the tragedy mask?" Buffy asked Willow.

"Spike," Willow replied. Spike cringed.

"What?" Buffy asked, surprised.

"He was right there, and, then, poof, he's gone," Willow answered.

Spike didn't wait around to hear anymore. He ran back through the headstones, racing back to his crypt. He was but a few steps away when he heard Buffy scream his name. Spike froze and turned to see a pained look spread across his loves face. He frowned and ran out of the cemetery and into the deserted streets of Sunnydale.

Once he knew he was out of chasing distance he stopped to catch his unneeded breath. Thoughts of Buffy spun in his head as he fought the urge to run back after her.

/My thoughts are so tempting

I don't know how it got so bad\\

Clem's words danced around in his head. He knew Clem was right, he knew he was better off without her, but he couldn't shake the thoughts of Buffy out of his head.

He walked up and down the dark, vacant streets ahead of him, desperately trying to find anyone or anything to keep his mind off Buffy. After an hour or so of aimless wandering, he settled on going to the Bronze. He pushed the guard out of the way and sauntered through the front door. He walked through heavy crowds of people, semi-listening to the hard rock music coming from the stage. After only 5 minutes of pushing and shoving he came upon the stairs, and six steps up these very same stairs, was a teary-eyed Buffy staring down at him. He gazed at her for a minute or two, but as she took a step toward him, he shot back through the crowd and out the door.

'Why can't I get her out of my head?' He asked himself as he walked back to his crypt.

/Sometimes it's so crazy

That no one can save me\\

"If only things had gone different, maybe I didn't try hard enough. Maybe I didn't let her adjust to the whole 'soul-having Spike,'" he said aloud as he made his way home. "Maybe it has always been just a game for her?" he finished his thought as he rounded the corner.

"None of the above," Dawn said, stepping out of the shadows behind Spike, startling him.

"Ya know, one of these days you're gonna get yourself killed, wandering around all by yourself at night," he said, running a hand through his hair.

"I'm not alone, you're here," Dawn replied.

"Which is even worse in your sisters eyes. How would she feel knowing you were out here with me?" he questioned.

"She loves you," she said.

"No, she..." he started.

"She's cried every night since you've been gone, she told me about the two of you," she interrupted, slowly watching the face on the man in front of her turn from pain to hate. "She hates herself for what she did to you, she told me she loves you," Dawn finished.

"Enough," Spike started, "Come one, I'll walk you home."

Dawn walked closely next to Spike rubbing her arms from the cold. Spike noticed and draped his coat around her shoulders. When they were a few blocks away from home, they were attacked from behind by a couple of vampires, fledglings from the look of them.

One of the vamps swung at Spike before attempting to separate him from Dawn. Spike blocked his punch before kicking him to the ground, pushing Dawn to stand behind him. Dawn watched in silence as Spike dusted three vamps. There were only two left, but she could tell Spike was losing energy fast. She saw a wooden box against a building. She ran to the box, kicking at it to break a piece. She ran back to Spike and stuck the wood through the heart of the vampire trying to attack him from behind. Spike punched the last vamp, knocking it back a few feet. Dawn saw this as her chance at threw the wood through the air right into the vamp's heart. The vampire turned to dust as Spike turned to her, his face twisted into a look of surprise and amazement.

"What? You think I never watch you guys fight?" Dawn said, walking past him toward her house.

Spike chuckled before following after her. When he caught up with her, he noticed a slight limp in her step. Spike put a hand on her arm, stopping her dead in her tracks. Spike dropped to his knees, pulling up the rough material of her jeans to inspect her ankle.

"It's nothing," Dawn said, trying to pull away.

Spike gripped her ankle to keep her from moving. As his hand clamped around her ankle she cried out in pain.

"Yeah, nothing," she replied, turning around. "Get on my back, I'm carrying you, and don't even try to argue, Niblet, just get on. "

Dawn sighed in defeat of a fight she had no chance of winning before climbing onto Spike's back. He carried her the rest of the way in complete silence. When they reached the front porch of the Summer's house, Spike let Dawn climb off and turned to leave.

"Thank you Spike," Dawn said, causing Spike to turn around.

"Don't mention it, Niblet. I do what I can. And, don't mention this to the big sis, I don't particularly want a midnight raid of the crypt and finding myself waking to a chunk of wood in my chest," he replied.

Dawn nodded, laughing. Spike turned away again, about to make his way home when Dawn spoke again.

"You wanna come in?" Dawn asked shyly.

Spike turned around once more to decline when Dawn cut him off.

"She want to see you, she misses you."

"No, she doesn't. We both know this can't work; all I do is hurt her. I don't want to hurt her anymore," Spike answered.

"And you think this isn't hurting her? All she does is cry Spike! She hardly talks to anyone anymore. I haven't seen her this way since mom died. If anything you are hurting her more now, Spike. I hate seeing my sister like this, and I hate seeing you hurt," Dawn argued.

Spike opened his mouth to speak but Dawn continued.

"Fix it. Fix it now or I'll be the one doing a midnight raid on your crypt."

Spike hung his head, sighing. Dawn opened the door, and Spike followed inside, keeping his eyes on the ground. He could already hear the second heartbeat, beating much faster than Dawn's. He slowly lifted his eyes off the ground and saw a teary-eyed Buffy standing on the stairs, looking down at him. They both just stood, frozen staring at each other. Dawn smiled to herself before walking out of the room.

"You aren't going to run away again, are you?" Buffy finally asked after what seemed like a lifetime of staring into his eyes.

There was a long pause as Spike tried to comprehend what was just said.

"No," he finally said and Buffy began to descend the stairs.

/But she's the only thing I have\\

They both stood there, staring into each other's eyes until Buffy closed the small gap between them, wrapping her arms around Spike. He immediately tensed at the contact, but slowly melted into her embrace, wrapping his strong arms around her, puling her close to his body. A small smile spread across her lips until she remembered their earlier conversation.

"_I can't bloody take it anymore. I _love _you Buff, you know I do, but I can't go on like this. You're the only woman I've ever really loved, but I can't do this anymore. I can't go on knowing that you don't feel the same way. I can't be Angel, I can't be Riley, and I can't be perfect. I try, but I can't," Spike ranted. "All I can do is love you."_

"_You don't love me, Spike," Buffy replied._

"_Yes, I do Buffy. More than anything or anyone before," he replied._

_Buffy just shook her head, almost mockingly as he fought back tears._

/It's hard to believe me\\

"I don't want you to be perfect," Buffy whispered against Spike's chest.

"You deserve more, Buffy. You're worth more," Spike replied.

Buffy pulled away slightly. "I don't care about what I deserve, all I want is you."

"I can't give you what you deserve, I can't even be in the sodding sunlight, Buffy," Spike whispered, lowering his gaze.

"I don't care Spike, I don't care anymore!" Buffy argued.

Spike couldn't help but smile. "It's not easy Buffy, being with me, it takes work," he replied.

"I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it," Buffy said, pulling herself back against his chest.

"What does that mean?" Spike asked, bringing a shaky hand to stroke her hair.

"I love you Spike," Buffy replied.

/It never gets easy

I guess I knew that all along\\

Spike smiled, pulling Buffy tight against his chest.

"I love you too, Buffy."

A/N: That's it, maybe. I had an idea…if you like it let me know, I'll keep going with the songfic idea, and keeps writing, each chapter a new song. You like? Let me know!


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